Zac Reese was born in Del Mar, California, the only child of State Senator Randolph Reese and Lucy LaTour-Reese, co-host of the morning show, Wake Up, San Diego!

Zac was a beach bum who believed a slow day on the waves was better than any day in the classroom. After graduating from college, thanks in no small part to his father’s political and financial connections, Zac started an online website devoted to the local surf scene. By the time he was twenty-eight, Zac was a successful writer of surf-themed novels, including the best- sellers Guacamole Beach and Tan Lines.

With his curly blonde hair and Paul Newman eyes, Zac was a magnet to the fairer sex. His girlfriends would shower him with “I love you’s” all the time, but Zac never thought to reciprocate. The closest Zac ever came to using those words was to his loyal basset hound, Dewey, and that was more of a “Who loves you? Who loves you? You know I do. Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do,” while rubbing the hound’s stubbly stomach.

When Dewey passed into doggie heaven at age ten, Zac was devastated. He paddled out to his favorite surfing spot with Dewey’s remains secured in a Starbucks coffee cup and poured him into the blue waters, choking back tears and sniffling “Who loves you? Who loves you? You know I do. Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do.”

Zac’s life took a hundred and eighty degree turn for the worst when he fell head over heels for the hottest model in the world, Greta Mueller.

Greta was born in Hamburg, Germany. Her father, Hans Mueller, had held out high hopes that his daughter would marry Christian Berger, the son of his business partner, but it was not to be. Although Greta had held Christian’s personal knockwurst in high esteem ever since she was a teenager, she wasn’t attracted to him in a marrying sort of way.

Zac was awed by Greta’s beauty and saw her as the epitome of perfection, from her manufactured breasts way down to her manicured privates. In his mind, she was his equal in the looks department. For her part, Greta appreciated Zac’s sense of humor and bank account, but thought his blonde locks would look better on her six-year-old niece.

Greta and Zac married at the Hotel del Coronado.

Greta’s parents flew in from Germany, along with Christian Berger, the knockwurst from Greta’s past. But even Zac’s blonde hair and blue eyes were not enough to convince Hans that his daughter was marrying the right man.

Senator Reese was appalled that his son was marrying someone whose family was probably Nazi sympathizers. And who was this Christian Berger character? Who invited him? For her part, Lucy LaTour-Reese thought Greta’s hair looked fabulous.

After the brief ceremony, the guests ate Mexican and slurped from the Margarita stations set up throughout the spacious grounds. As everyone danced to the sounds of local surf band, The Wives of Mickey Rooney, the newly-minted Greta Mueller-Reese cornered Zac’s best man, William Bixby, behind a withered Eucalyptus tree and grabbed onto his member through his thin linen pants, rubbing it with the same vigor Zac exerted while waxing his surfboard.

Meanwhile, Christian Berger, distraught that his beloved Greta was now married, attempted suicide by tequila. He staggered from station to station, downing one margarita after another, hoping to summon up the courage to wade into the Pacific Ocean and end it all. Lucy Latour- Reese, having noticed Christian’s odd behavior, walked up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder to see if everything was alright. As Christian spun around, nausea took over and he emptied his drunken insides all down Lucy’s low-cut designer gown. In a stunning display of self-defense, Lucy leveled Christian with an overhand right. Weddings.

It took less than a month for Zac and Greta to realize they shared a genuine hatred towards one another. Zac had become suspicious that Greta was not as perfect as he had initially thought when he came home one afternoon and found her skinny dipping with the landscaping crew. For her part, Greta had become so annoyed with her husband’s infatuation with himself that she took a pair of scissors to his blonde locks one evening while he was passed out from smoking too much ganja. When Zac came to and saw his blond curls lying on the living room floor, he didn’t get angry; he just cried like the little baby Greta suspected him to be.

Zac and Greta maintained their marital charade up until the fateful dinner at their favorite restaurant, The Bluffs. The hilltop locale created the perfect scenario for the drunken spouses, who began their final foray by tossing wine on one another, then stabbing each other with butter knives. They ended up rolling around the restaurant’s outdoor patio until one last rotation sent Zac plummeting over the edge and into the darkness below. Unfortunately for Zac, the surf was not up that evening.

After the court ruled she had acted in self-defense, Greta was cast as a participant on the reality show, Widows of Famous Men, but was quickly eliminated when she couldn’t remember the name of her late husband’s favorite pet.