Letter to a Knucklehead NAU Student by Natalie Rose
Dear Undergraduate Boy I Saw Walking On Campus In Flip Flops In Sub-Freezing Temperatures On Wednesday Morning,
Please put on some real fucking shoes.
The friend I see you walking with at least had the good sense to wear some thin cotton socks with his athletic sandals, but I’ll have to send him a separate missive about his choice to where a threadbare undershirt without a jacket. Back to you, Flip Flops.
Did we wake up this morning in different climates? When I woke up it was just 12 degrees outside. I had to put on four layers and my fleece tights under my jeans to feel warm enough to leave the house. Walking to the bus I had my scarf pulled up to my eyeballs. After carefully maneuvering my phone out of the pocket of my puffy coat with two sets of gloves on, I saw it was 17 degrees at the bus stop. Now, because we’re in the shade, it must be a few degrees below that, and I am worried about your toes. Do you think we’re in Miami?
(Are you on drugs? You can tell me. The first time I did edibles in college I hallucinated Betty Boop was flying around my apartment, trying to convince me to eat more weed. So if you are hallucinating that we’re in Miami, it’s OK. I’ve been there. But tell me so we can get you the proper medical treatment. #noshame)
Do you know, little darling cherub away from your hawk-eyed den mother for the first time in 18 years, what hypothermia is? Hypothermia occurs when the body is exposed to cold, aka when you don’t wear weather appropriate clothing. The body then can’t generate enough heat to maintain your internal temperature at 98.6 degrees, and this can lead to serious health problems, like permanent tissue damage. Up to 90% of our body heat can escape through our skin, so please, I beseech* you, put on some real fucking shoes.
I know this advice, coming from a woman old enough to be your mom (abet a very youthful, cool mom), is completely unsolicited. However, I feel obligated as the more mature person here to implore you to think about your toes and put on some real fucking shoes. And while you’re at it, some real fucking pants, too.
Me (your would be youthful, cool mom trying to be stealthy about inspecting your frostbitten toes while walking behind you on campus)
*Use in a sentence for extra credit: be·seech | bəˈsēCH/ | verb; ask (someone) urgently and fervently to do something; implore; entreat.